Friday, May 14, 2021

Yana Polonskaya Pd 5 Day B Blog 2

 Yana Polonskaya

Period 5

05/14/2021

Day B

Modern Mythology 2021

Goal Setting & Growth

  • At this current point in time, what specific goal(s) do you have for yourself? Why?

I’ve always had trouble understanding the phrase “living in the moment.” A majority of our day to day life revolves around reflecting on the past or working to build the perfect future. We dwell on past mistakes, no matter how trivial they may be to the bigger picture. We spend our days worrying about the future, planning out as much of it as we possibly can. I find myself constantly wondering where I’ll go next, constantly regretting past decisions and thinking “what if?”. It seemed as though there was always something I’d rather be doing, as though every choice I made was the wrong one. When leaving the house, I’d wish I stayed home and took more time to relax. When I’d have time to myself, I’d scramble to make plans and leave the house. I found myself in a cycle of stress and anxiety--I was constantly debating and weighing my options, and somehow still always making the wrong choice. I’d wake up today thinking of tomorrow and remembering yesterday. I also noticed my tendency to take pictures of almost every single moment of my life. Every memory had to be captured, and even worse, posted online. Throughout the day, I’d constantly worry about what would make the best social media post. Of course, having the perfect moments captured on camera is a beautiful concept, but eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t have a nice moment without thinking about my phone and my Snapchat camera. My mind was always racing, and I realized that I could never truly be happy while overthinking to that extent. Being mindful and present in every moment is something I’m truly aiming to get better at. There are so many parts of our daily routines that need to be appreciated for what they are, and I hope to get better at calming myself down and finding the beauty in all circumstances. I hope to stop feeling the need to document my life and living in my memories and stories--with every new day comes new experiences that deserve to be cherished. Recently I’ve been putting a lot more emphasis on making the most of every situation and trying to transform my natural state from worried/stressed to productive/happy. Simultaneously, I’ve tried to focus less on my social media presence--a post doesn’t define a moment’s worth. Learning how to be present in every moment is a powerful tool, one that I’m still learning how to utilize. 

  • How do you demonstrate resilience towards achieving this goal? (or these goals?)

Over time, stress and doubt became second nature to me. Changing my most natural emotions and reactions has been taking a lot of mental stamina. As tempting as it might be to shut down and give into these feelings, I’ve been trying many different methods to learn mindfulness. The first is meditation, which has become a part of my daily routine. I’ve been training my mind to relax, to stop racing, and to focus on my surroundings. The second is staying physically active and developing a weekly workout schedule. Every week I have 1 Hip-Hop class and 2 Pilates classes. When I’m dancing, there's nowhere I’d rather be--I’m always concentrated in the best way possible. When working out, I’m able to focus on my body and clear my mind. Feeling productive has helped me overcome a lot of my negative emotions. Finally, another change I’ve implemented is limiting the time I spend on my phone. Waking up and immediately checking my phone, scrolling through social media while spending time with friends, feeling the need to post the details of my day constantly, and spending hours on my phone before falling asleep are just some unhealthy habits that eventually became ingrained into my daily routine. While I can’t escape social media as a whole, I’ve been trying to call myself out and prevent myself from getting too immersed into the online world. I’ve put a lot of emphasis on staying off my phone while I’m with others, maximizing the in-person interactions that I have. 

  • How does the world around you affect your perception of this goal? (or these goals?)

Last year, during the initial lock-down, I found myself appreciating small details that I wouldn’t have cherished otherwise. Prior to the quarantine, I hated my daily morning bus ride, yet suddenly I found myself missing it more than anything. Walks and bike rides that previously seemed monotonous became exciting. Family dinners were lively; every interaction was extremely meaningful. All we had was time, and we felt every minute pass by. As much as I tried to hold on to these feelings of pure happiness from things so small, I reverted back to my usual self as the lock-down gradually lifted and life sped up. In a world so fast-paced and reliant on social media, it’s difficult to take a step back and focus on the singular moment you’re experiencing. However, the past year has demonstrated that we never truly know what the future holds. All we know is the present, and it’s our responsibility to make the most of it. I hope to relearn how to find joy in the most casual parts of my day, even as everything around me moves so quickly. 


Angelica Baburova Period 5 5/14/21 Day B

  • Creativity & Fiction

    • Craft a piece of fiction that addresses one or more of the following: 

      • Literary elements (i.e. structure, tone, diction, mood, irony, and figurative language) to craft a narrative and/or poetry.

      • Structural features of drama (stage directions, character attributions/tags, dialogue, monologues, and/or soliloquies) to craft a script.

      • Multidimensional characters to develop themes and create socio-political metaphors.


Annie walked towards the shore and looked at the orange sunset. With a blank mind she stared at the serenity surrounding her. Although every decision she's ever made has been calculated, precise, and supposedly correct, she felt nothing.


Reaching the ocean she felt the cold water at her ankles and was brought back to reality. She drove to a beach on a tuesday evening for no reason, to do absolutely nothing. There was nothing that brought her to this moment, no calculation, and no planning. As she stood there, a glimpse of something caught her eye in the sand.


It looked like a watercolor painting had been swirled and made into a shell, there was no reason for something this beautiful and melancholy to be lying in isolation on the tattered brown shore.


The watercolor brought her back to her childhood. The pastel colors of pleasantries. Every goal was easily accomplished, and if not, there was no commitment. You had the time and ability to calculate, but also to learn from trial and error. Rushed back into reality she realized that the moments that have passed increase, and they do so rapidly. There is no more freedom and detachment from time and responsibilities. 


As she looked into the shell the world around her began to shift, the sky became a lighter color, everything seemed to grow around her. Alas, it was not that everything was growing, instead she was shrinking. Looking at her hands, she noticed they are no longer the hands of a 25 year old, but instead the hands of a child nearing 10. Looking to her left stood her mother, unaware of the shift that just occurred. Reaching for her phone she found her first flip phone instead. She has transported back in time. 


“Mom?” She looked up at her mother smiling at the sunset.


“Yes honey? Look at the pink sky!” Her mother replies, continuing to watch the sky surrounding them.


“I want to accomplish something. I want to succeed.” Annie said with a strange maturity for a 9 year old. Her mother turned to her. Without a second of doubt, her face turned serious. “I know you will”, she responded. This answer changed nothing, but Annie knew that this was her second chance. It was her chance to give her life meaning rather than follow the path others told her to follow, she could truly succeed.


But slowly this all faded. The colors of the sky swirled before the world around her turned to black.


Suddenly she was back in her dimly lit studio apartment, the cars outside loudly passing by. There is no such thing as a second chance.


She got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, looking at her sunken face in the mirror. She looked well over 25, the stress did not age her well. She painted her face with makeup, a mask to make it seem as though everything was ok. She practiced her smile before getting dressed and walking to work. Maybe today she would do something new, maybe she could be proud of the things she does today. Maybe, in the end, it's all worth it. 





Jared Solis, Period 5, 5/10/21, Day B

The Unusual Suspects

As I woke up, the only thing he could see was darkness. Feeling around, he wasn't stuck to anything but he couldn't move.

 "What is happening?", I asked himself, "Where am I?"

"HELPP!," I screams, clueless as to what is going on. Suddenly, the dark night slowly faded into a white space devoid of movement. There were 4 others beside I, all trapped as well. 

"What are we doing here?," asks I. 

One of them looks over and says, "We don't know. You were the last to wake up. We've been sitting here for days."

With his eyes finally adjusted to the newfound sight, I managed to sneak a look at the 4 others around him. All a different letter, they seemed different shades of confused and scared, unable to process what was happening. From a glance, I was able to create a quick profile on each of them. 

R had the body language of one who would never back down from a fight. P was indifferent, perhaps even bored of the situation the five seemed to find themselves in. X and A seemed to be scared out of their wits, perhaps lovers, but A was objectively the more frightened of the two.

Arranged from right to left, they made the word, P I X A R.

All of a sudden, the five captives heard a faint tapping noise getting closer. As they glanced to their left, they saw a lamp hop into view, shining its bright light on all of the letters. Blinded by the light, all I could do was watch the lamp hop closer and closer. 

"Who are you? What do you want from us?," I asked.

The lamp shouts, "I want to know! Who! Took! My! Money!"

I's heart plummeted. "How did he find out? My heist was foolproof!" 

Months earlier, while tight on money, I robbed the single greatest mobboss around town. Never in his life did he think he would get caught. As the lamp trotted over to each letter, his singular lightbulb shined into their souls like a lighthouse searching for a shipwreck, filling the captives with fear.

"Whoever did this made a big mistake! Nobody steals from me and nobody is leaving until we find the thief!," the lamp screams out of anger.

"I have to come up with something quick," I thinks to himself. 

Hopping closer to examine each letter, he finally comes face to face with I. The perspiration started to roll down I's frame as he nervously looked around for answers. Frantically searching for clues, when I's sight fixates on A, sensing his tense complexion. He forms a brief plan with a slight chance of working.

Staring at him pointedly, I exclaimed, "He's the one you want! Not me!"

Going in for closer look, the lamp fixated on A as he let off a squeak.  

"He would never!," X shouts. 

"Please sir! I have a family!," A lets out desperately, "I did it!"

I let out a laugh. He believed his plan was successful. "Oh you screwed up now! What he said is the truth!," I said triumphantly. 

"So you're proud of what you did?," the lamp asks angrily.

I's heart dropped to his feet. Realizing his mistake, I exclaims, "No! You misunderstand, I    meant-"

"You think you can fool me? I've been doing this since 1986! I outta teach you a lesson!," says the lamp.

The lamp bends down and jumps into the sky, right above I. The last image that I sees is the bottom of the lamp's base. As he finishes the job, the lamp looks around before staring into space to the only witnesses of the crime..... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Christine Wu, Period 5, 5/14/2021, Day B

Christine Wu
5/14/2021
Period 5
Creativity & Fiction 

Patchwork Staccato 

The room is dimly lit, giving it a desolate appearance, but it is well furnished nonetheless, with plump green armchairs on either side of a small mahogany coffee table to which an oddly shaped vase full of wilting flowers sits in the center. Cups of tea sit there innocuously, and upon further inspection, seemed to be cold. Zhen didn’t know if they were there to provide a welcoming atmosphere, but it made her more uncomfortable than anything. The barren walls are painted a stark white, and she shivers even though the windows are closed tightly shut with the curtains drawn.

She didn’t dare ask the person where they had brought her. They hadn’t told her what they were doing, only with a vaguely threatening note with a date and location on her desk for where to meet as directions. At first, she had ignored it, playing it off to be some stupid prank, but as the letters kept coming, and things started disappearing, well, she started taking it more seriously, suspicion and paranoia ranking high on her list of anxieties.

So imagine her surprise when it had been a child all this time.

And yet, they didn’t seem like a child, eyes never reaching the blinding smile they had sent her way when they had first met. Secretly, she thought that it must’ve been a prank—an ill-fitting one at best—and she had indulged in the little thing, until they demanded to see the letters.

So here they are, in this not-hotel. It is too empty to be one, even with the seemingly never-ending corridors and echoing stairs that is synonymous with that of a hotel. But the lack of a bed in the room, and staff, had been telling. How they got access to this building, she’ll never know.

A sinking feeling makes itself known in her gut, and she ignores it with a slight shake of her head. She is here for one reason, and one reason only.

The child points to the armchair at the right of the coffee table, to which she stares blankly at. They point harder, and she realizes too late that they must want her to sit down because they shove her not-so-gently towards the chair.

They tsk at her for wasting time, and she murmurs a short “sorry.”

The chair isn't uncomfortable by any means, in fact, Zhen thought it was relatively nice for how worn it seemed to be. What is uncomfortable, however, is the expectant stare of the child’s dead dead eyes. She didn’t know what they wanted; they stayed standing rather than taking a seat like her.

“Thank you for making the time for me...” she trails off awkwardly, and yet they say nothing. They gesture to the tea instead, and she gets the notion that they want her to take a sip.

“Did you make this yourself,” she asks in an effort to be polite. She hides a grimace as she sips; no one likes cold tea. Well, one person had loved cold tea, but that was a long time ago.

The child says nothing. instead, they finish setting up a camera in front of her.

“We’re doing an interview,” they say curtly. “I'm starting the camera.”

Zhen’s eyes widen in surprise; this is the first time the child had spoken to her. They have a deeper voice than she had anticipated, and she shifts in discomfort.

“On what,” she asks, trying for a smile. She thinks it might’ve been more of a grimace than anything else, but as soon as she finishes this thing, she can leave and never look back.

“On you and Xia Yu,” they answer, syrupy sweet, yet aggressively absolute.

Zhen freezes.

“I-I haven’t talked to her in a long time,” she says quietly, her head downcast and eyes shifting back and forth in slight panic. “You won’t get anything from me.”

“Don’t play with me,” the child snaps, sounding very much like a demon at the moment. “Do you want—“

“Okay, okay,” Zhen placates, her hands slightly shaking. She takes sip from the cold tea again, just to be occupied for the moment, and from the corner of her eye, she could see the child’s satisfied smirk.

They take the other armchair, leaning slightly forward in sick anticipation, as if seeing Zhen struggle with her emotions is the peak of comedy.

“So,” the child claps, “Let’s start with something simple. Introduce yourself. Keep your eyes on the camera."

“My name is Zhen Lin. I am 28 years old. I own a small noodle shop north of the city.”

“Excellent,” she hears the child say. “How did you and Xia Yu meet?”

“W-we met in university. We shared a dormitory together in our first year. We clicked right away.”

It sounds hollow and monotone, even to her own ears, and she can tell the child is getting impatient from the way she hears them shift in their seat. Hurry up, the child seemed to say.

“We,” she continued hastily, trying not to make them more mad than they already are, “did everything together, from going to movies to singing karaoke.”

"And?" the child prompts, bored, as if they knew all of this already.

Zhen could feel her own frustration rise at the nonchalant-ness of their voice, but she suppresses it. She can't get angry now, not when there's something of importance at risk.

She goes for another attempted smile at the camera, but her eyes betray her.

"And what," she asks, playing dumb on purpose. "That's all there was to it."

And it's true. Their relationship hadn't been that deep, no matter how much she had yearned—that's enough. She grips the cup of tea tighter, and the child eyes her hands, as if they know.

"Tell me about after college," they drawl, long and slow, with a roll of their eyes. "What happened after college?"

The memories after university had been Zhen's fondest, and she lets a small genuine smile slip as she recalls the past that she so desperately wants to forget.

"Xia and I, we were broke college students, so we tended to stay in to eat most of the time. And our specialty was noodles. Xia and I loved making noodles."

"What kind of noodles?"

"Well, hand-pulled noodles were kind of a no-go, I mean, we were college students, and all we had was a rice cooker. so we usually used pre-packaged noodles, but the broth? The broth was where we put in the work. Now, I can't tell you what we put in the broth, since we, er, I still use the same recipe since then, but I can tell you it's delicious—"

"This isn't an advertisement," the child interrupts. "What happened to you and Xia Yu after university?"

Zhen's face drops before she plasters another fake smile on her face, and takes another sip of the cold bitter tea. Her cheeks were starting to hurt from grinning so much, and she shockingly found herself wishing she was back in university, simpler times consisting of her and Xia, and no one else.

"R-right, of course! sorry for veering off course. But anyways, Xia and I opened our own noodle shop. The first day had been hectic, I remember," she recalls, voice light. "We ran out of ingredients so quickly, and she had to order more. I don't remember how late it was, but she was so tired, running around while I just cooked all day." It surprised her how fondly she had said that. She thought she had been over it, but her heart squeezes, and the feelings of nostalgia and want gnaw in her chest.

"But anyways, we shared a bowl of noodles together that night; it was kind of romantic..." Zhen trails off, before she realizes what she had just said. "I-ignore that please!" she exclaims, eyes wide.

She turns to the child, who just looked on with an amused smile, as if they were expecting that. They seemed to be expecting a lot of the things she's saying, she faintly notes.

"C-can we please edit that out?" she pleads with a pink face, embarrassed.

"No can do," the child says, a definite response. "Keep going," they urge. "That's what I want to hear."

"Alright," Zhen replies, shoulders laxing in defeat. "We shared a bowl of noodles together. We talked about marriage; I had secretly wished that Xia would never get married. And she never did, to my knowledge anyways. But the first day had been a success. We called the bowl of noodles a bowl of xiazhen noodles, our names smashed together. We both cried tears of happiness that night.”

She lets out a deep tortured sigh, as if sharing these memories pained her. And in a way, they did. She hadn't expected to delve into her complicated, extremely personal, relationship with Xia in some shady dimly lit room in an abandoned hotel, and yet here she is.

"The shop blew up overnight it seems, with people around the state—even around the country—come trickling in to try our noodles. We were both pleasantly surprised how well we were doing; Xia even got us an interview from a local news station. It was very exciting."

"And how did your relationship fare after the boom in business?" the child asks.

She pauses there, not wanting to delve into Xia's sudden obsession with expanding the business. The child gives her no room to think, urging her on with a snappy clear of the throat.

Thoroughly chastised, Zhen continues her story.

"We were happy the first few years. Well..." she wanders off. "I don't know if she was, for I can never tell, but I was happy. My happiness was enjoying the expression on her face while she ate noodles. My happiness was cooking with her. My happiness—"

The child cuts her off again with a loud cough. Hurry up, is left unsaid.

"Well, as I was saying, the first few years were amazing. We promised to take photos every year together in front of the storefront, just to see our growth. And we did. We were content. Business was booming, we could afford to take a vacation somewhere. I had wanted to go to Italy, she had wanted to go to Japan. We could've gone to both. We should've gone to both."

Zhen pauses again.

"The later years were...less content," she continues, voice more quiet. Her eyes weren't looking in the camera anymore, rather she has travelled back in time, to a place where Xia is standing next to her, instead of hidden in the memories she wishes to forget.

"How so," the child asks, not because they're curious, but because it's their job as the interviewer.

"Xia became obsessed with the business name. I don't know what came over her, but she wanted to expand the business so much. She wasn't the Xia I knew, which is horrible to say, I know. She became money-hungry."

"Why didn't you like that?"

"At first, I was happy that she was trying to figure out where to take this business," she confesses. "But she took it so far. She wanted chains across the country. She wanted me to share the recipe with other chefs, and she wanted me to retire myself. She kept talking about money, and how much money we were going to make. and when i said she already knew the recipe, she lost it. She told me she was going to steal it from me, so that she can make a better restaurant than I ever could. I couldn't take that; we made the restaurant together. it's like she forgot that. I didn't even want to expand the restaurant; I just listened to her because I loved seeing her happy."

Her voice cracks, and she takes a second to blink away the tears that threaten to spill out.

"Sorry," she mutters, voice watery. "Xia had always called me a crybaby."

the child only hums in acknowledgement, and urges her to continue.

"Some days she was normal. I'd question her about expanding the business and she just seemed confused. She'd ask me what I had meant, and wasn't I content with just one restaurant. The first time she did this, I was relieved. I was glad she got herself out of that mentality. But the second and third times, I got upset. I didn't know what she wanted. She always contradicted herself. We'd fight to tears sometimes."

"Tell me about those fights."

"Neither of us ever fought like this before," Zhen whispers, as if she is ashamed. "They were screaming matches. On our tenth anniversary, I had enough. We fought in the rain after we took our annual picture. She threatened me for our recipe yet again. It's like she became a different person ever since she got that locket..." she trails off. “She broke my heart, and I broke hers.” 

"All I wanted," she says, voice cracking again. "All I wanted was to remind Xia of home with the noodles. She hadn't visited her parents for years. Expanding the business would mean taking that intimacy away. I couldn’t do that to us.”

Tears start falling, and Zhen drops the empty tea cup onto the floor as she sobs into her hands. It shatters on impact, just like her heart did those many, many years ago.

"I just wanted her to love me back, was that so wrong of me?"

"You did well," the child says, walking over to turn off the camera. "That's everything I wanted from this interview."

"Where are the things you said you took from me, from the letters?" Zhen demanded through her tears. "That's the only reason i even agreed to this interview in the first place."

The child smiles, ingenuine and sadistic. “I can’t fix or return a broken heart.”

“You lied to me?”

“Not my fault you’re so trustworthy,” the child sing-songs, a hauntingly familiar locket dangling from their neck. 

“Wait—” Zhen calls out, intending to ask why they had Xia’s locket, but she’s too late. The child had already disappeared to another place, and she is left alone to sit and contemplate about the what-ifs of the past. 

As for the child? Well, they have other interviews they have to go through.



Thursday, May 13, 2021

Alvin Xiao, Period 5, 5/14/21, Day B

Alvin Xiao

5/14/21

Period 5

Modern Mythology 2021

Creativity & Fiction

The Pilot and the Tree

The very first time was magical. I was no taller than a foot, but the vibrant colors of the world slammed into me with full force. A mishmash of other lively greens, sturdy browns, and an everlasting blue sprang into my view. They were the first three things I had ever known. But almost instantly, I was hit with something a little different. This time, it wasn’t something I could perceive visually, no. My fragile limbs prickled at the touch of some invisible, blowing force. It was ethereal. 

But of course, glamour is only temporary, subject to the unwavering dominance of time that precedes acclimation.

What was it that he called me? Yes, that’s right, I’m a sprout. To a newborn sprout who had only ever understood the embrace of nothingness, this new world of color and feel was the greatest gift. It was a glorious awakening after a long, long slumber.


The glitter faded fast. I was a healthy sapling by then, magnitudes taller than ever before. The greens and the browns morphed into what appeared to be identical images of myself, but a little taller and stronger. The blue that was above me turned out to have a few brothers, some glum gray and unsettling black. Some days, I was greeted by warm rays from the glowing phenomenon amidst the blue—the sun. Other days, the colorless force said hello—the wind, right? 

But despite that, there was a little gloom hidden within me. The world was getting a little boring. After all, I couldn’t move. My horizons stayed constant, rooted into the ground below me. Surrounded by taller greens and browns, I would never witness where the sun would go home to after a long day of shine, or where the funny-looking four-legged creatures would run to in a hurry, travelling in groups.

I couldn’t sit. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t even sigh. All I could do was simply exist. But at this point, you might be wondering why I can communicate so fluently now. Really, it’s thanks to him.


One day, I heard a distinct humming noise. It got louder and louder. I couldn’t pinpoint the source, until all of a sudden, a much louder, mind-shattering sound interrupted the humming noise. At the same time at a distance away from me, a foreign silver collided with the ground, throwing dirt and debris everywhere. Smoke clouded my perception for a while. As the gray cleared up, I noticed movement within. Another funny-looking creature crawled out from under the silver beast, making its way toward me. He looked at me for a second, and collapsed on the ground.

I don’t really know how much time passed since then. The creature wore weird garments instead of fur like the other funny-looking creatures. But he had the mouth, the nose, and two eyes. And suddenly, the eyes opened, blinking with uncertainty.


He looked around and saw his silver contraption made into a mess. Grumbling, he quickly stood up only to hunch over, with his face contorted. He grimaced and slowly approached and leaned against me. 

And he began to talk. Did he know I was listening? I don’t think so. But he strung together distinct noises and kept talking. All I heard was nonsense at the time, and yet, I continued to listen because it was interesting.

As the days passed by, he began to inspect his contraption—he called it a jet—and started hammering at it and pressing buttons. I didn’t know what he was doing. And other times he would eat some berries he found around us. But during the entire time, he still told his stories to fill the silence in the air, and I still listened to his stories to fill the silence in my heart.


And he left. Surprisingly and anticlimactically, he bid his farewell, boarded his jet, and soared into the distant blue above. That was the end of our encounter.

What a mess. That’s how he would say it, anyways. After he departed, I was left with nothing to do so I simply recounted our time together over and over again, repeating his stories and his words. And by some miracle, I began to understand his language. This unique two-legged pilot, he called himself, described a world completely different from this forest. It was vibrant, glamorous, and ethereal, he said. If it was anything like what I experienced as a sprout, I wanted it. Even if it was temporary, I wanted a new world.


But I remained rooted to my origin, to the very dirt I sprang out of. That was my fate. I’ve matured into a healthy, strong body by now, similar to the ones around me. Yet it was frustrating that I couldn’t be as agile as the little birds that fly away, or as heavenly as the radiant sun that floats above. No, I was simply a tree, movable not by body, but by heart.


Now, I am left with one option. My children should fly, if not me. It’s time to release my children—pollen, as he would call it—into the wind, into the blue, and into the new world that I couldn’t reach. It is time for my children’s glorious awakenings as I descend into my long, long slumber.

 

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Kellen Zeng, Period 2, 5/12/2021, Day A

Kellen Zeng 

Period 2

5/12/2021

Day A


Blog #3 - Goal Setting and Growth


For the past two years, I’ve felt as if I have been suffocated by an endless list of goals that I cannot accomplish. In fact, I don’t think I have ever managed to fulfill any of my goals simply because I cannot, for the life of me, find a way to be content with myself so instead I find a way to self-sabotage until I end up wallowing in a pit of self-pity. Typically this process can pan out in two ways, (1) I actually do achieve my goal, but because I don’t think that it is good enough, I end up changing my initial goal so that it becomes more and more unachievable, (2) I never even try to begin with because I’m so afraid of not achieving perfection. For instance, I have spent the last few weeks looking for an internship to do over the summer and not too long ago, I was given the offer to be a summer intern for the NYCLU. Although I have accepted the offer and am extremely grateful for the opportunity, I feel as if my accomplishment is nothing compared to the successes of my peers, so now I’m looking for more work to do over the summer because supposedly one internship isn’t good enough.


Fortunately, I’m self-aware enough to recognize my patterns so in an attempt to ground myself, at this point in time, my only goal is to focus on myself and do what makes me happy. It’s a very vague goal, but this way, I can do anything that I want and not constantly feel as though I’m failing. Although it’s difficult to get past all the voices in my head reminding me of the hundred different things I should be doing, I’m trying to recognize that in order for any structurally sound building to remain upright, the foundations need to be strong first. 


I’ve always been one to fall back into my old habits so in order to demonstrate resilience, I’m going to start off small, set up a routine, and hopefully develop new habits. Maybe I’ll set a specific time each day to do an activity that’ll bring me joy or maybe I’ll just listen to my body’s needs and do things in the spur of the moment. I’m not 100% sure yet, but that’s okay. I do know, however, that some things I want to do are to read a book, bake a cake, go on a walk, clean my room, begin going to therapy again, and a bunch of other things, but I’m not going beat myself up if I can’t do every single thing that I want to do. Although a part of me thinks my goal is silly because a goal for a student at Staten Island Tech typically looks more like “I’m going to get better grades” or “I’m going to study for my AP tests,” I don’t want tests, grades, and meeting crazy high expectations to be the thing that I’m working towards. I want my purpose and intentions to be set entirely around doing what makes me happy because at the end of the day that’s what’s most important.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Kelly Yu, Period 2, 5/12/21, Day A

 Kelly Yu

Period 2

5/12/21

Day A

The bar tonight was loud; flashing lights and a giant mesh of flesh made me retreat to the bartender. I never enjoyed going to bars, so I wondered what implored me to go out today. I always believed in horoscopes and tarot cards. Perhaps I am fated to be here tonight. After all, the fortune cookie from dinner did read, “A lifetime friend shall soon be made.” Right now though, leaving seems like a good idea. “One drink and then I will leave,” I promised myself.


The bartender recited his usual line, “What would you like?” 


To which I responded with “One shot of Chardonnay.”


While counting down the seconds until I could leave, heavy footsteps caught my ears. My eyes followed my ears. I shot a friendly smile at the stranger as he took a seat. My smile was nothing more than a social construct, nothing more than a forced smile. However, that smile turned into a curled smile and into interest. The stranger took Polaroids out of his pocket and laid them across the table. I recently started photography. I always dreamed of starting a business. Only if I got better. Maybe this stranger is the friend cookie forecasted. I peered over his shoulder and admired his work. I need to ask him for advice.


“Excuse me! I couldn't help but look at those photos. Those are amazing. Are you a photographer as well?” 


He looks annoyed. Was I interrupting his peace? But after hearing my compliments, his facial expression lighted up. He chuckled and responded, “Thanks, I-”.


At that moment, some drunkard knocked over the stereo, creating a ripple of screaming. I could not hear his response. I did not dare to annoy him further, so I smiled and nodded. He has a daunting demeanor, but maybe it was just his resting face. I couldn’t judge for someone who can easily fake a smile. 


I assumed he confirmed my guess. How else can such professional pictures be done? Those five Polaroids were better than my entire portfolio. I need to ask him for advice. 


“Do you have any tips on how to get better at photography,” I showed him my portfolio and continued rambling. “I’d really appreciate it. You seem like an expert.”


“It’s nerve racking to take your first shot. I recommend taking a deep breath in and just pull the trigger.”

I resonated with that. I had jitters during my first photoshoot with a client, but his lingo threw me off. He seems more relaxed now and we make fast conversation.


“Finding the best angle to shoot from is so difficult,” he sighs. “Especially when you’re trying not to be seen.”


“I know right! The photos always come out bad and the client looks stiff, but I guess it is our job to find that perfect angle.” Again, his language strikes me as odd, but I dismiss the thought. He knows the field so well!


I ask more questions. “What do you use to shoot?”


“90mm.”


“Huh, that’s pretty big. I use 7.7mm.”


He remembers something. I can tell since his face lights up and his eyes look more alert. There is no hostility, only passion. 


“My favorite spot to take shots from is the top of a roof.”


He must have a different style than me. “I never tried that. I took shots of a couple. Those are my favorite.”

We both got our drinks and cheered. I noticed his hands were steady, only moving the muscles he wanted to move. Mine shake even while doing a simple motion. Was it because I am tipsy? I guess that is how his photos come out so crisp.


“I prefer taking shots of people when they are alone. Also, make sure your hands aren’t shaking otherwise the shot will be bad.” 


He must’ve taken notice of my jitters. “Thanks. Trying to get them to smile instead of being nervous is really hard.”


“Their emotions don’t matter. I take the shot regardless.” I guess he does candid photos. My suspicions are coming back despite my guesses to fill in his cryptic words.


I prepared myself to ask him more questions, but a phone call interrupted the conversation. However, all my answers were answered when he walked away lugging a large bag. The tip of a sniper scope was peeking out. I don’t think he is a photographer. Was it possible to be friends with a sniper? I shook my head. I was trying to force the fortune cookie to come true. I never liked fortune cookies, anyway.